Kassandra Celeste (kuh-son-druh).
24. UofL Grad. BA in Psych.
Moroccan American. Citizen of the world. Harry Potter. Buffy. Cats. Joss Whedon is my god. Cheesehead. Feminist. Tattoos and piercings make me happy. BOOKS -any and all- make me happier.
My man is in the Navy-we move to MD in September.
Workin on my fitness- 5'6, size 4/6
HW-185 CW-149 GW-140 UGW-135
Asked by Anonymous
Okay so it sounds like your girl isn’t really into the sex you’re having. Or she’s not comfortable with sex in general. Or she doesn’t know how to tell you what she wants.
Regardless, the main thing you need to do is stop. Part of consent means that they are actively giving it. If you ask her what she wants to do and she’s non-committal, that’s a no. Stop.
If she asks why you’re stopping tell her that you want to be sure she’s as into what you’re doing as you are and that you don’t want to do something just because you’re into it.
Also, not everyone likes changing positions. She might know what works for her and doesn’t know how to tell you that. Have that discussion when you’re not in the middle of having sex. Bring it up casually some time where it doesn’t feel like a “tell me what you want or it’s going to ruin this whole experience” ultimatum. Because that really sucks. And might be accounting for some of her indifference.
Regardless, if you want this to be about both of you then you need to talk to her. Explain to her that you want her to be interested in what you’re doing and if she’s not, it’s okay to say so. Not everyone knows they have the ability to say no. And sometimes when we’re in love, we want to make the other person happy, and that may mean going along with something we’re not okay with. Make sure she’s not doing that.
Also, stop thinking of sex as being about who’s doing the most work. That’s a really crappy way to think about sex. And doesn’t make it fun for anyone. Sex shouldn’t feel like work for anyone and if it does for you, it probably does for her too. So stop having sex, just take it off the table, if it feels like a chore.
“My mom died from diabetes and my dad was murdered. I’m in college, and I’m about to launch my own clothing line, as well as a non-profit organization.”
“How were you able to succeed despite losing your parents? Did you have a grandmother or someone who helped you?”
“Actually, I’m the one helping my grandmother. I was the type of kid who had strong ambitions—challenges drove me. I was presented with so many obstacles that I was expected to fail at everything: I wasn’t supposed to graduate from high school, I wasn’t supposed to go to college. But I never failed. No one in my family ever went to college—I’m breaking that chain.”
“My mother is Japanese and my father is American. I only just recently reconciled these identities. In middle school, my Asian-ness was a quirky thing about me. I made Asian jokes about myself so my white peers would accept me, making a caricature of myself as the ‘Asian person’. At the time it was really important for me to connect with people who had the same cultural characteristics as myself, but I couldn’t find anybody. So, I tokenized my Asian identity.
“Later, I realized that making my Asian-ness a central part of my identity was harmful—there were so many other facets of myself that didn’t have to do with that. It affected how people interacted with me: when I earned a good grade, people would say, ‘Of course, you’re Asian.’
“I then decided to go to the opposite end and shun my Japanese heritage by pretending I was white. That was my strategy for a few years. Without even realizing it, I internalized certain racisms against Asian people. I saw them as inferior, which made me want to identify with my ‘white’ self even more.
“Finally, last semester I went to a giant cultural celebration for people of color. I saw a Japanese Taiko performance, which made me think of when I was a kid going to Japanese festivals—I would be so excited about everything Japanese. I almost cried and realized that I love a lot of Japanese culture, and that it was a part of who I am. I needed to revisit how I thought about my racial and cultural identity: what it was that I felt, why I felt it, and how I wanted to identify myself from that point on. I went back to Japan for a month and fell in love with the culture again. That was very important, because I shunned it for so long.
“So after a lot of processing this summer, I realize that I am in peculiar place between being a person of color and being white: I have too many privileges to identify as a person of color, yet I’m not white because of the way people label me as Asian and the shame I experienced as being Asian and Japanese. It’s a unique experience, being Japanese-American, and it’s important to know that this is who I am—no matter how people label me.”